Easy Rider or How to Face your Fears

I don't recall if I have blogged at all on my husband's motorcycle. Bought a few years ago, it has pretty quickly become his favorite activity. Touring is his favorite pastime and he like to take long rides. His most recent was a long ride to Monterey for a business trip.

I am not sure how I feel about the motorcycle. Ultimately, I believe my husband is an adult and it is his right to do what pleases him. However, it does scare the crap out of me. I see many clients with horrible injuries or chronic pain thanks to a motorcycle. I do know Carlos is responsible and and he is not careless when he rides.

The fact that my husband rides a motorcycle is actually easier to live with than his interest in me riding with him.

Now riding on the back of a motorcycle is not without pleasure. It can be exhilarating to feel the speed and the wind. However, you also have NO control. You aren't driving. The only thing that keeps you on the bike is your weight and your grip. The gear is heavy and constricting. Sitting up straight feels precarious and uncomfortable yet leaning forward to grab a husband or the tank bag for security leaves your spine hunched and uncomfortable. The balance of the bike is determined by the passenger as much as the driver so you can't completely tune out. You need to lean into the pavement during turns, a very counter-intuitive movement to lean toward the ground!

Today with the girls at my parent's, we rode from Simi to Malibu, taking Topanga Canyon out and Malibu Canyon back in and then the freeways back to Simi. I felt sore at times, experienced motion-sickness in the hills, but ultimately found some peace.

I should mention I am not sure I want to get better on the bike. A part of me does it to try to spend time with my husband at something he loves and a part of me does it to confront my fears. I think facing some of my major fears is good for me and this activity challenges many of my lifelong fears: my fear of doing things when I have little or no control, my fear of crashing and burning, my fear of heights (at least on those mountain roads), my fear of relying completely on anyone but myself, and my fear of speed, to name but a few. I did not conquer these fears today but I did confront them and feel a little less afraid of them today.

The Prodigal Husband Returns

Carlos came back today. I was looking forward to his return. For practical reasons, I can’t wait to have some help with the kids. On the other hand, I was also looking forward to some adult attention and conversation. Unfortunately, I arrive home with the girls and Carlos gives them appropriate and enthusiastic fatherly attention but seems to have little attention left for me. Some days I really miss being the center of my husband’s attention.

Life without Husband

I am trying not to feel depressed about my husband’s upcoming business trip. I should be grateful he has had less business trips this year than usual, but all I can think of is one whole week being a single mom. Carlos is off to Virginia tomorrow and won’t return until Saturday. I do think it is harder for the partner who stays than for the one who goes away. I know his trip will not be relaxing but it will involve some down time. Being a single mom means that after an exhausting day of work, you commute home only to go to two places to pick up your kids, cook dinner, supervise homework and baths, get girls to bed, and then clean up, go to bed, only to wake up and get 3 people ready for the day, drive the girls to 2 different places, and then head into work for the whole thing to start again!

Cruising...

Well, we leave on our cruise today. Carlos and I have our anniversary this week. Every year my goal is to schedule some getaway with my husband without kids (although I love my girls I value some adult time with my husband now and then). Every year I start to plan something early in the year that will be exciting and yet affordable. Every year I have a difficult time. This year was no exception. With no extra money at all, I finally realized that the only affordable alternative was the Baja cruise yet again. Therefore, that is why we are going on another 5-day cruise to Ensenada this week. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually kind of like this cruise. It is cheap and local. After we drive to the port, we just spend the next 5 days enjoying ourselves with no major decisions and no driving and all meals included.

Anyway, even though I have been on this cruise many times, I am so excited to spend the next 5 days relaxing with my husband.

Mother's Day

Well Mother’s Day is over and I have to say that I was impressed with the husband. I will admit I did not really give him much help but on his own, he planned a full day to celebrate motherhood. He took us all to breakfast and then surprised us with a visit to the Huntington Library. The gardens were beautiful and it was fairly relaxing. We stopped for a quick lunch on the way back and then relaxed at home for a bit. Carlos even planned a fabulous dinner and as usual, cooked it all himself. Beef filets and shrimp, oh, and scallops too, for a perfect “surf and turf!”

Now the girls weren’t exactly angels and their behavior made it glaringly obvious we need to work harder on setting limits with them and enforcing consequences. However, I believe I will start tomorrow!

Absence Makes the Heart...

grow fonder? Well it does for me. Another business trip for my husband and another week of living like a single mom. I don't know how single moms actually do it. I do have help a lot of the time from my mom. Without her, there is no way I could keep up my pilates class with Carlos out of town every other week. She even feeds the girls dinner while I exercise!

I always have these big plans on the things I will accomplish alone with my husband out of town, and they rarely get done! Although I did print out family photos and update our photo albums through January 2008. That was a big accomplishment for me. Last night however, I just wanted to sleep myself, after putting the girls to bed!

TGIF but I am still Grumpy!

I really wanted to post about something positive but I don't think I have it in me at the moment. My husband just called to let me know his flight has been cancelled due to ice and he can not fly out of New York until tomorrow, meaning he won't be home until 11 p.m. tomorrow. Ugh, I was so looking forward to a little help after a long tiring week. But I refuse to whine in this blog today! So let's think of a few positive thoughts...

Well, I can say they finally fixed my lights this morning so I am no longer in the dark at work! (Although I must admit my office is very very very bright! Thank you flourescent lighting.)

Another positive thought is that it is almost the weekend and Superbowl weekend at that with a superbowl party to look forward to.

I have completed 4 full weeks of Pilates with no absences and this week did manage to walk about 6 miles. So I can say my exercise plan is progressing nicely.

Theonly other positive thing I can think of at the moment is that my headache appears to be responding to Motrin and soon will be only a memory.

A Small Vent

Well, I had to work today and that enough was a bit frustrating. How come I work for a company that only offers 6 holidays a year! Anyway, Emma's school was closed for the holiday but Sofia's daycare was open. And the husband was off from work. So I trudge off to work and drop Sofia off at day-care on the way while my husband stays home with Emma. I have been trying to work on realistic expectations for myself and for others and did caution myself not to expect that with my husband home with only one child he would do a lot of work around the house (like take down the Christmas lights or make dinner).

Well, anyway, while at work I was told we would be having a potluck the next day and I was to bring a salad. As I left work, I called home to let the husband know that know I needed to pick up Sofia and then swing by Trader Joe's to get the fixings for my favorite buffalo chicken BBQ salad for the potluck. So drove my 1/2 hour commute, picked up Sofia, headed to store and did my shopping and then back to home. I walk in the house with my arms loaded and start putting away my groceries when the husband walks up to me without a hello or anything and says, "So what time is dinner?" I am like "well, what do you mean?" and he clarifies that he has an errand to run and wants to know when i will have dinner ready!!!!! He later stated that since I was picking up salad for potluck he assumed I would just make extra for dinner.

Ummm. I never assumed that. I did not buy enough salad fixings to make twice as much! And it is not like I can bring leftover salad to a potluck. Okay, am I being a witch for being not only ticked off that he would expect me to cook when he was home all day? Of course, I eventually used some of my salad ingredients to make a chicken pasta for dinner with a small side salad and he did agree to go back to the store to get me more chicken for the potluck, so I should be over this but I have to say, arghhhhhhhhh!!!! I am not.

Why is it so hard to work after any time off?

Well, I am back at work today and finding it pretty difficult this week to be here. Even with only two days off from work it felt so good not to be responsible for anyone but myself for a few days. I am not sure I mentioned that I took my mom on a 3 day cruise to Ensenada for her birthday. It made me think alot about my relationship with my mom but i am not sure I am ready to post about those thoughts. I did miss my husband and my girls a lot, but I still enjoyed having no responsibilities beyond when to eat next!

Of course, this week I seem to be swamped at work so it just makes the contrast so much more dramatic. I am committed to keeping at this blog and not wimping out but I must admit i don't know what i even feel like writing about today. But i don't really want to bitch about work all the time. I like working. I like my job more days than I hate it. I am just tired of having it feel more important than the rest of my life and feeling like I have too little time to do anything well.

One thought I had was about marriage. I found myself thinking during my first weekend away from my husband that I can remember, that I missed him. Now this may not seem important. But, it makes me reflect on my feelings and I realize that I enjoy being with my husband. He really is my best friend. (I am not being sappy really, the crap is coming too.) I enjoy spending time with him. I can be a very impatient person and I notice I can get grumpy being with the same person for extended periods of time. They begin to annoy me. And it has little to do with anything wrong they do. I just can only tolerate so much one on one time with most people. I also like my solitude. But, I don't think I have ever felt this way about my husband. We have been married now for over 8 years and I still feel comfortable around him and enjoy being with him. This does not mean to say that he can't annoy me because believe me it does happen, but he does have to make an effort in some way to annoy me, like withdrawing, or talking down to me, just to name a few things.

Now the thing that is kind of bugging me is this sneaking suspicion that my husband does not feel the same way. I don't feel like he would rather spend time with me than any other person. Some days, I am not sure whether he likes me. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. I think becoming a mother did change me in many fundamental ways. Some of which are for the better and I want to accept. Some changes which may not have been for the better and I am working on how to eliminate some of them or at least soften them so that they fit better with the me I want to be. Is it crazy to want your partner to accept you for who you are even if that person continues to change and develop? I guess i do not feel it is crazy but it may be unrealistic from time to time. I just feel overwhelmed so much more frequently than I ever have in my life and yet I feel many people, especially my husband, expect me to continue to manage everything and be the same person I used to be. I do feel it is my fault a good bit of the time. When you spend your life thinking you can strive for perfection and not letting people see the flaws, it is hard to blame others when they have a hard time coping with your incompetence. The new me has worked very hard to admit to herself and others that I am far from perfect and I can still be likeable and loveable. But what if people (especially my husband) do not like this new imperfect me? I know the healthy answer is that not everyone is going to like you and if you spend your life needing everyone to like you you are going to fail miserably. But I have to admit in spite of this I do want my husband to like me as much as I like him.