Manic Mondays - Assert Yourself

For my Manic Monday topic today, I thought I would present some information on ways to be more assertive in your life. One reason many of us find our lives so overwhelming is because we fail to assert our own needs. It may seem easier to be passive and to focus on the needs of others but failing to assert your own needs will eventually lead to problems. If you find that you never assert your needs or wants, you might want to explore the reasons behind this. However, many of us know how to be assertive in certain situations or with certain people, but have difficulty with other situations or other people. If this is the case, please read on for some general suggestions to guide your attempts to be more assertive.

1. Saying yes and no: Learning to say yes and no appropriately, with care to both yourself and the person that you are addressing is a powerful tool in assertive behavior. Knowing what you want is also important. We can often be confused about situations, and may say yeas meaning no; or say no when we mean yes. In a demanding society like ours, it is important to give ourselves the space to decide what we want and how we might say that without hurting others.

2. “I” statements: If you want to get a message to someone clearly, you need to consider how he or she is receiving your message. All too often when you have something difficult to say, you will manipulate the words so that it appears that the difficulty is coming from elsewhere. Using sentences that begin with me, or “I”, is the best way of overcoming this problem. Owning our thoughts and feelings is crucial in assertiveness. Personalizing our statements means that they cannot be disregarded; they are ours and as such are important!

3. Changing “should” into “could”: Central to being assertive is the notion that we have choices. Many people, however, believe that there are too many things that they should do, and this lack of choice prevents them from being more assertive. If you write a list of all the things you should do, there would probably be at least 10 things on it. But think again- what do you HAVE TO DO on that list? How many of those things have come from other people? How many of them are what others have told you that you should do? Now turn the list upside down. Write out all the things that you would do because you want to do them. How many are left? Why are the others not there? Why should you do them? This concept is mind-blowing to many people. But it is a simple one to incorporate into life.

4. Changing ‘know’ into ‘imagine’: One of the things that people often get into the habit of doing is making assumptions about others and their thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Changing the words “I know…” to “I imagine…” can have a tremendous impact on a situation because you are making clear what is fact and what is fantasy. It is also important not to project you ideas onto others, which is often unwittingly done when we use the words “I know”.

5. Changing questions to statements: It is important to use questioning statements, but don’t be lulled into using them constantly so you do not have to say what you think. Use affirmative statements that start with “I feel” or “I think” so others are clear about where you stand.

6. Start believing in yourself: Believe that you can’t make a mistake- you can only do things in a way that seems most appropriate given all the information and experience that you have at the time. Think about it, if you thought there was a better way of doing it you would have done it, wouldn’t you? Don’t give up trying to be more assertive, each situation is different and a new chance to get it right.

7. See the positive instead of the negative: We have choices all the time. It’s easy to have a hard day every day by the language we use. Try and change the following:

I’ve had a terrible day…The day has been tough, but I’ve learnt a lot.
It’s an uphill struggle…I’m nearly there, halfway there.
I’m finding it hard…It’s not easy

8. Using affirmations: A good way of putting the positive into your life is to create affirmations for yourself. Think about how you would like to be, and write them in a way that suggests you are already there e.g. I am lovable or I am happy with my life. Stick them in places around the house that you will see often, and say them out loud.

9. Assertiveness and body language: How you look at someone conveys how you feel about yourself and what you are saying. People often give their power away by looking away, and defiant and aggressive people show their feelings by directing them straight at the person. Your body language and tone of voice should show you are grounded, relaxed and present.

10. Dealing with conflict assertively: Conflict situations usually arise because of a lack of assertion on the part of one or both parties. Dealing with this takes courage. Most people tend to leave a problem and hope that it will right itself. Rather than taking the conflict as a personal feedback, join with the other person in working towards a win/win situation. You may well find that despite hostile beginnings or personal dislike, a mutually acceptable outcome can be found. Keep a clear picture of yourself and the other person, which is separate from the issue. It is easy to get wrapped up in personal clashes. Take one issue at a time- don’t let people rake up last week’s gripe. Stop them and deal with one issue at a time. Once dealt with don’t let them bring it up again next week! Look and listen to each other- tricky, but important. Be creative with possible outcomes. Find a mutually convenient time to discuss them. Make sure you understand each other by writing them down. Finally, appreciate the talents of others. We are beautifully created human beings, with faults, each and every one of us, have the courage to admit both.

11. Giving and receiving feedback: It is important to listen to feedback carefully rather than reject it or argue. Having heard the feedback decide on its value and the evidence to back it up. Acknowledge it and decide whether you are going to change your behavior as a result. If you feel the feedback is invalid then dispute the feedback positively and assertively. When you are giving feedback, try and think through why you are giving it before you start. What are you trying to achieve? Make sure the feedback it firmly rooted in “I” statements so that it is clear that it is your opinion and not someone else’s. Make sure your body language reflects clarity and direction.

Well-Being Wednesday - 8 Simple Ways to Minimize Stress

For Well-being Wednesday, I thought I would continue with some stress management. Since last week's blog was a tad on the long side, I thought this week should be "short but sweet" and focus on ways to cope better with the stress already in your life.

Simple modifications in posture, habits, thought, and behavior often go a long way toward reducing feelings of stress and tension. Here are 8 quick and simple things you can do immediately to help keep your stress level under control.

1. Control Your Anger:

Watch for the next instance in which you find yourself becoming annoyed or angry at something trivial or unimportant, then practice letting go - make a conscious choice not to become angry or upset. Do not allow yourself to waste thought and energy where it isn't deserved. Effective anger management is a tried-and-true stress reducer.

2. Breathe:

Although this was discussed in detail last week, Breathing is very helpful for counteracting the negative effects of stress. Breathe slowly and deeply. Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly. If you have a few minutes, try out breathing exercises such as meditation or guided imagery.

3. Slow Down:

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by stress, practice speaking more slowly than usual. You'll find that you think more clearly and react more reasonably to stressful situations. Stressed people tend to speak fast and breathlessly; by slowing down your speech you'll also appear less anxious and more in control of any situation.

4. Complete One Simple To Do:

Jump start an effective time management strategy. Choose one simple thing you have been putting off (e.g. returning a phone call, making a doctor's appointment) and do it immediately. Just taking care of one nagging responsibility can be energizing and can improve your attitude.

5. Get Some Fresh Air:

Get outdoors for a brief break. Our grandparents were right about the healing power of fresh air. Don't be deterred by foul weather or a full schedule. Even five minutes on a balcony or terrace can be rejuvenating.

6. Avoid Hunger and Dehydration:

Drink plenty of water and eat small, nutritious snacks. Hunger and dehydration, even before you're aware of them, can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress.

7. Do a Quick Posture Check:

Hold your head and shoulders upright and avoid stooping or slumping. Bad posture can lead to muscle tension, pain, and increased stress.

8. Recharge at the Day’s End:

Plan something rewarding for the end of your stressful day, even if only a relaxing bath or half an hour with a good book. Put aside work, housekeeping or family concerns for a brief period before bedtime and allow yourself to fully relax. Don't spend this time planning tomorrow's schedule or doing chores you didn't get around to during the day. Remember that you need time to recharge and energize yourself - you'll be much better prepared to face another stressful day.

Manic Mondays - How to Ask for Help

As a busy parent (or really anyone today who is over-scheduled and over-whelmed), you may be on your own, but you don't have to do it all alone! Asking for help builds community and teaches valuable life lessons. Begin with these steps, and you'll find that asking for help isn't as painful as you'd imagined.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: The time it takes to make a phone call!


Here's How:

Let Go of Your Need to Be Perfect
The first step is to let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself to do it all on your own. Look at the people around you. Aren't there other people who receive regular help from friends, family, anyone? There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Needing help is not a sign of weakness or failure!

Be Honest With Yourself
What is most disturbing to you about asking for help? Do you think asking for help gives the impression that you're not capable of doing it all on your own? Are you afraid that needing help might confirm what someone else is trying to say about you? Are you afraid you'll "owe" someone? Try to identify what it is that you resist when it comes to asking others for help.

Redefine Strength
The strongest people are not necessarily the ones who seem to be able to do it all on their own. Authentic strength includes an awareness of your personal strengths and weaknesses and the ability to recruit assistance in the areas where you need it most.

Be Optimistic
Believe that people around you want to help; because, in most cases, they do. If your friends, family, neighbors and co-workers realized you had a specific need, many of them would jump at the chance to help out. Maybe you've "known" your neighbor for eight years, but she has no idea that you're going through a difficult time right now. Believe that if she knew your need, she wouldn't hesitate to help.

Take a Risk
As humbling as it can be, asking for help can also provide an amazing opportunity to "get real" with the people around you. When they, in return, do the same thing, you may be surprised to find yourself developing exactly the type of deep, meaningful friendships you've always wanted to cultivate. That's enriching, but it doesn't happen without the willingness to take a risk and be real.

Start With One Need
Begin by focusing on one area of your life where you could use some support. Maybe it's getting some help around the house, or maybe you could use some help fixing a leaky faucet in the bathroom. Start by asking for help with one specific need.

Brainstorm
Who might be able to help you with this particular need? Is it a neighbor you trust? A relative who lives nearby? You might think that you're limited to those people who you already know well, or who you have a lot in common with. But take the time to "think outside the box." Who do you trust? Who are you drawn to? Who is one person in your life that you'd like to get to know better?

Ask
Once you've brainstormed a list of the people who might be able to help, call them. If it's easier for you, write down what you plan to say on a piece of paper. Also, you can even begin your request by saying, "I'm not really comfortable asking for help, but I was wondering if you might be able to do something for me."

Ask with a positive expectation
If you are going to ask you may as well not be too apologetic for it. I’m pretty bad at this, I always feel guilty for asking, especially if it’s family or friends, I feel like I should be able to manage it all myself, of course it’s not possible.

Ask someone who you think can say “yes”
For example you may already know that one set of family members are busy at the weekend and quiet in the week. Tailor your requests to fit with other people’s lifestyles where possible, you’re more likely to get a yes.

Be clear and specific
I used to feel that I was nagging my husband all the time to help with housework, but he would counter by saying that he was helping. The problem was that I was being too vague I was not clear on what I wanted him to do and the kind of help I needed. He was always saying that he was doing what was asked, which he was. When I asked him to take the rubbish to the bin he did, although two days later. If I asked him to do some cleaning, he would wash the dishes. Now I say things like “please take the trash out tonight” and “please could you clean the floor in the kitchen and do the dishes." I ask for exactly what I want and when i need it done. 99% of the time I get it. I’m happy because I’m receiving help and the house is tidy. He is happy because he isn’t being nagged. Simple.

Say Thank You
Of course it goes without saying that it's appropriate to thank someone who helps you. However, there's also reason for a word of caution here: Don't overdo it. You don't have to spend money on a thank you gift! Heartfelt words of appreciation, either spoken or written on paper, are sufficient.

Give Back
Lastly, you can always return the favor in other ways. If your neighbor watches your kids two afternoons a week, double a recipe once in a while and share half of it with her family. Keep your eyes open, and you'll begin to see the ways in which others around you could use your help, too.

Tips:
Asking for help gets easier the more you do it.
Start by asking for help in one small area.
If you're more comfortable, suggest trading tasks.

Well-Being Wednesday - Just Breathe

As I thought about topics to cover for Well-Being Wednesday, I examined what issues I run into again and again and decided (hopefully not narcissistically) that if I have a problem with something, there might be others out there struggling with the same issues. Today’s topic will focus on counteracting the negative effects of stress by using deep breathing.

Now stress has earned a bad reputation, but it actually has a good side. It seems to be one of our universal complaints, and yet stress is a very personal thing. Ask a dozen people what they define as stressful and you’ll probably get a dozen different answers. For example, shopping is stressful for one person, while it is fun for another. Background music may aid concentration for some people but be annoying for others.

Many things in life can be stressful. Some are big stresses like divorce or death of a loved one, moving to a new town, or financial problems. Some are everyday hassles, like waiting in line or contending with traffic, spilled coffee or a stopped-up sink. Just meeting life’s basic needs like having food to eat and a roof over your head can be stressful. Some stresses aren’t even negative events. Weddings, births, vacations, and visiting friends are happy occasions that can also be highly stressful.

So then, what is stress? Quite simply, it is the way your mind and body react to everyday irritations and changes that frighten, anger, or upset you. It is a normal response to a new or challenging situation. Stress can increase your alertness and concentration, sharpen your reflexes and stimulate you to perform well. Stress can help you in passing a test, playing a sport, dealing with heavy traffic or learning a new skill, adjusting to a major lifestyle change, or dealing with slight hassles. Stress can be dealt with in a healthy or unhealthy way. I remember hearing somewhere that stress is like a guitar string: you need a certain amount of tension to make music, but if the string is too tight, it will break.

The secret to managing stress is in how you perceive and react to it. Most people have had a first-hand experience with dealing fine with a situation one time, then the next time getting completely stressed-out over an identical circumstance. You may not have coped as well the second time because you were more tired or weighed down by other stresses.

Unfortunately, some people have an unhealthy view of all change. They see change and everyday hassles as threatening. They view the world through glasses tinted with pessimism and because they expect change to be harmful, it often is. These people often feel overwhelmed by stress.

Other people see change as positive and understand that stress is a fact of life. They realize change is sometimes difficult but can also be helpful. They know change brings new information, new experiences, and opportunities for personal growth. These people seldom let stress get out of control.

Whether you have a natural outlook on life that helps you deal with stress or helps you feel more overwhelmed by stress, we all experience stress. You can’t avoid all stress, but you can counteract its negative effects by learning how to evoke the relaxation response, a state of deep rest that is the exact opposite of the stress response. Dr. Benson first wrote about the relaxation response and I have a link to a few of his books at the end if you want to read more.

The stress response floods your body with chemicals that prepare you for “fight or flight.” But while the stress response is helpful in an emergency where you must be alert, it wears your body down when continuously activated. The relaxation response brings your system back into balance: deepening your breathing, reducing stress hormones, slowing down your heart rate and blood pressure, and relaxing your muscles.

In addition to its calming physical effects, research shows that the relaxation response also increases energy and focus, combats illness, relieves aches and pains, heightens problem-solving abilities, and boosts motivation and productivity. Best of all – with a little practice – anyone can reap these benefits.

The key to bringing about the relaxation response is focused awareness. Your breathing can be the object of that focus. In addition, because the normal breathing patterns can be disrupted by tension, stress, and pain, focusing on how you breathe may provide you with an additional method of relaxing.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Learning to breathe deep is a great relaxation method. The key to deep breathing is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible in your lungs. When you take deep breaths from the abdomen, rather than shallow breaths from your upper chest, you inhale more oxygen. The more oxygen you get, the less tense, short of breath, and anxious you feel. So the next time you feel stressed, take a minute to slow down and breathe deeply:

1. Sit comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
2. Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
3. Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
4. Continue to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to inhale enough so that your lower abdomen rises and falls. Count slowly as you exhale.
   

If you have a hard time breathing from your abdomen while sitting up, try lying on the floor. Put a small book on your stomach, and try to breathe so that the book rises as you inhale and falls as you exhale.

I plan to cover some other methods for achieving the relaxation response in the next few weeks. If you would like more information before then, you might check out the following resources:

Some great books on relaxation:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook
The Relaxation Response
Beyond the Relaxation Response

Some free relaxation exercises to help you practice deep breathing and other relaxation techniques:

Two relaxation exercises:

http://www.hws.edu/studentlife/counseling_relax.aspx

Free breathing exercise download found here: http://www.holycross.edu/wellness_programming/stress/breathing/

Various Relaxation resources can also be found here: http://www.loyola.edu/campuslife/healthservices/counselingcenter/relaxation.html

Jason Newland has provided many free relaxation audios for download here: http://freerelaxationaudios.com/

Manic Mondays - Tortellini en brodo, An Easy Weeknight Dinner Recipe

I have decided to institute another set top day and today is the inauguration of my first "Manic Mondays" blog post. I have decided that every Monday will involve posts related to surviving the work week without growing crazy. Tips for working moms or anyone with a busy week and limited time to thrive or even survive. I hope to provide information on balance, self-care, homemaking tips, or really anything that will help you make it through a busy work week. Today, I decided to share one of my daughter's favorite recipes. Emma has library day one day a week and for a while, different cookbooks kept coming home. This recipe is a very easy chicken soup recipe that tastes home-made but is really easy to make. Kids seem to like it too. i can't remember the cookbook it came from, but I think it was one by Emeril Lagasse. I found a similar recipe on his website here so this might be the original source.

Tortellini en Brodo (tortellini soup)

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups chopped yellow onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
3/4 cup chopped carrots
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper
8 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
9 ounces fresh cheese-filled
2 tablespoons minced parsley
Salt, to taste if necessary
1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese

Heat a large saucepan over high heat. Add the olive oil and, when hot, add the onion, celery, and carrots. Saute until soft, about 4 minutes. Add the garlic and crushed red pepper and saute for 2 more minutes. Add the chicken broth and bring to a boil. Cover, reduce the heat to medium-low, and simmer for 20 minutes.Add the tortellini and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the parsley, taste, and adjust the seasoning if necessary. Remove from heat and ladle into soup bowls.Garnish each bowl with one tablespoon of the cheese. Serve immediately. This will serve 6 to 8 people.

2009 Blog Improvement Project - Week #5 Social Media Carnival

March is the Social Media Carnival for the 2009 Blog Improvement Project, and the first task is to write about how you use a social media tool to improve your blog.

I think this project will be very helpful. I have to admit that my experience with social media is very uneven. Some of the topics mentioned I have never really heard of or if I have heard of them, I certainly haven't understood them, except to see little buttons or links on various websites.

I know we have had a few bloggers posting their reports on Facebook or Twitter, but upon reflection, those are the only social media that I use regularly to give any true opinion on. I do use both and I do feel both have merit and are not the same in their uses or merits. I will try to give some insight on each one, perhaps in a two-part blog post. So let's start with Facebook.

I have already posted a bit on Facebook and basically Facebook is a virtual social experience. Once you sign up for an account, you begin to develop your space there by entering various information in your profile, uploading pictures (if you want), posting links and notes about things of interest to you, and the ability to play games and trade virtual gifts. It is probably even more complex than that, but let's keep it simple. I have said before that Facebook is what you make of it. You can keep your profile as public or private as you want. Mine is set fairly private with only people I actually "friend" having access to my profile and anything on it. Even though my profile is set that way, I also keep my contact information down to a minimum, just my blog address and my email address. If you are very security conscious, you can even remove yourself from being found by searching. I do think being that restrictive will seriously restrict the social media aspects.

I think the thing Facebook does best is to allow you to connect with others in an easy-to-use format. I did read Jack's instructions on ways to promote your blog via Facebook. You can find her post here on her Slightly Off-Center Blog. That is a great use for Facebook. It may be a way to provide more of a Brand or presence on the internet. However, I am still undecided on having my own page. I guess to me it seems a bit narcissistic to create a page for fans to seek me when it feels like few people even know my blog exists. This may be my own therapy issue, but for now I don't intend to pursue this at the moment.

The main ways my blog and my Facebook page interact is to provide (1) another place for people to find my blog; and (2) another way for readers to easily read my content. Number one is done simply by having my blog address listed in my profile. Number two is done by automatically importing my blog posts as they are published to my blog. This is done via the Notes application on Facebook itself.

If you want to be able to automatically import in your blog posts as you post them to your blog, here are some instructions:

(1) Head to the "My Notes" page once you have logged in to Facebook from the home page.

(2) Cllick on "Import a Blog" in the Notes Setting box.

(3) Enter the URL or RSS feed of your blog in the form provided. Be sure to select the box confirming your ownership rights and click the "Start Importing" link.

(4) Confirm that Facebook found the correct blog and choose to "Continue" or "Cancel" depending on the results.

(5) Facebook will now automatically add your new blog posts as notes on your profile.

You can also set the privacy level of your notes by doing the following:

(1) Log in to Facebook and go to the "My Privacy" page (see Resources below).

(2) Edit the settings for the "Friends, Notes, and Facebook Development Platform" section.

(3) In the Notes section, use the drop-down box to select the level of privacy you want your notes to have. The default setting is that everyone on Facebook can see your notes. Be sure to 'Save' your changes.

(4) Go to the "My Notes" page and "Edit Notes Privacy." Since you are importing your blog to Facebook, you will need to change the privacy levels of the notes if you don't want everyone to read them.

(5) Choose exactly who you want to comment on or subscribe to your blog. The default is that anyone who can see your blog can post comments. You may want to turn comments off entirely, so people head to your external blog to add their comments.

I do enjoy Facebook in general, but admit I haven't utilized it to truly maximize my blog promotion. I think that this may be due to the fact that I do like to use Facebook as a forum to connect with my friends rather than develop a business. Although then again, I see my blog as a tool for self expression rather than a business. In closing, I wanted to make sure I answered all of Kim's questions regarding Facebook and my blog. She asked the following:

How do you use this particular tool to improve your blog or relationship with other bloggers? I don't think I have used Facebook for this and that may be a mistake. I am not sure how easy it is to find bloggers you have never heard about directly on Facebook. However, it is a cool place to gather with a group of friends you already know.

How do you balance time between blogging and using social media? This is tough, but I think it is no different than balancing time between blogging and living. You allocate time to each and stay within your limits!

What are some specific things you wish you'd known before you started your chosen your new tool? For me, I wish I could have know how addictive Facebook is but even so I probably would still have jumped in.

Well-Being Wednesday - Healthy Optimism

My topic for Well-Being Wednesday is Optimism. Optimism has been declared a healthy attitude. Optimists are those individuals who anticipate the best outcome and expect pleasurable experiences to occur. Optimism has been associated with an enhanced immune system, and has been found to be a strong predictor of the length of cancer remission.

Martin Seligman has demonstrated that a pessimistic style is associated with depression and general poor health. Pessimists see events that happen to them as stable (“This always happens to me”), global (“I never do anything right.”), and internal (“It’s all my fault.”).

In contrast, optimists see events as unstable (“Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will again.”), specific (“I have trouble with pacing my activities.”), and external (“Other people are responsible for their behaviors, I’m responsible for mine.”).

I do think it is possible to change your own outlook on life if you are willing to put in the work. You simply need to learn to identify your own negative thinking and slowly replace these thoughts with more positive optimistic ones. This method is know as cognitive behavioral therapy. However, I do believe you can challenge your own negative thoughts and become more optimistic without the aid of a therapist, as long as you are willing to put in some effort.

I found some straight-forward tips on WikiHow for those wanting a little more structure and guidance in their pursuit of optimism. You can view the whole article here.

1. Let go of the assumption that the world is against you, or that you were born with a gray cloud over your head. It is an assumption that has no basis in reason or science. To believe that the universe or a spiritual entity has singled you out and shifted the world order just to make your life miserable is both self-centered and illogical. Be humble and stop pretending you've got the world all figured out. Sometimes bad experiences lead to good experiences, and you can't predict the future, so you can't assume it'll always be bad.

2. Look for the source of your pessimism. Deep-rooted negativity can often be traced to childhood experiences, when growing minds observe their circumstances and make presumptions about how the world functions. If all you saw growing up were disappointments, betrayals and failure, it's no surprise that now it's what you expect from the world as an adult. Sometimes we pick up a flair for pessimism from a parent who made negative assumptions about the world somewhere along the line. Either way, the sooner you can attribute your pessimism to a unique set of circumstances rather than the state of the world itself, the easier it'll be to change your perspective.

3. Understand that the past does not equal the future. Just because you've experienced pain or disappointment in the past does not guarantee that it's all you'll experience in the future. There were many things in your past that you couldn't control, and everybody comes across unfortunate circumstances at some point in their lives - you're no exception. But there are also many things in life we can control to one degree or another, and therein lies the possibility of change. A day or week that starts badly will not necessarily end badly. Do not make a bad start turn into a self fulfilling prophecy for a bad ending.

4. See yourself as a cause, not an effect. You don't have to be a product or a victim of your circumstances. Stop thinking about what is happening to you and start thinking about what you can make happen. If you're not happy with the way your life is now, set goals and move on. Use your past negative experiences to build character and make better decisions, instead of letting pessimism turn you into someone who avoids risk at all costs. Sometimes it is necessary to take risks to receive rewards. Moreover, taking no action is taking an action. It is better to play to win rather than merely to avoid losing.

5. Accept pain, failure and disappointment as a part of life, not the entirety of it. Life involves taking many risks every day, and not all of them will end positively. That's what defines risk. But the flip side is that some actions will lead to good results, and it's generally better to have a mixed bag than to have nothing at all. Ideally, the good stuff will outweigh the bad, but you'll never reach that point unless you put yourself out there and hope for the best. When in doubt, remember Lord Alfred Tennyson's words of wisdom:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

6. Be thankful. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Make a list of the good things that have happened to you. If nothing instantly springs to mind, you aren't trying hard enough. The key to being an optimist is recognizing the benefits and possibilities of any situation, and understanding that it could always be worse. If all else fails, think of how life could be worse, and flip the thought process to recognize what you do have. For example: "I'm flunking out of school" can turn into "Well, at least I have a chance to go to school, and I still have time to turn my grades around." Get a notebook and a pen, and write down all the good things that you have. Every time you are feeling negative, read through them and remind yourself that it's not all bad.

7. Use positive affirmations. Write down short statements that remind you of what you're trying to change about the way you see the world. Put them in places where you'll see them every day, such as on your bathroom mirror, the inside of your locker, on your computer monitor, and even taped to your shower wall. Some affirmations to start with are:

• "Anything is possible."


• "I create my circumstances, my circumstances don't create me."


• "The only thing I can control is my attitude towards life."


• "I always have a choice."

8. Remember that life is short. When you feel pessimism clouding your judgment or you start to feel down about the future, remind yourself that every minute counts, and any time spent brooding guarantees nothing but less time to enjoy whatever life might have to offer. At its core, pessimism is impractical because it causes you to spend time dwelling on things that haven't happened yet and aren't guaranteed to happen, and it prevents you from getting things done. Pessimism breeds indecision. It's a waste of time, and time is a limited resource that you can't afford to take for granted.

9. Be a balanced optimist. Nobody's suggesting that you become an oblivious Pollyanna, pretending that nothing bad can or ever will happen. Doing so can lead to poor decisions and invites people to take advantage of you. Instead, be a rational optimist who takes the good with the bad, in hopes of the good ultimately outweighing the bad, and with the understanding that being pessimistic about everything accomplishes nothing. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best - the former makes you sensible, and the latter makes you an optimist.

A patient of mine gave me a copy of the Optimist Creed, put out by Optimist International. I would like to end with this and welcome your comments and observations. Do you think optimism can be cultivated or is it something you are born with?


The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

2009 Blog Improvement Project - Week 4 Blog Basics

This week's topic in the Blog Improvement Project is Blog Basics. Kim at Sophisticated Dorkiness wrote: "...when a new reader gets to your site, how easy is it for them to find out basic information about you and what your blog is about?" She suggested we explore updating our "About Me" page, contact information, picture, blogroll, archives, or RSS feed subscription.

I did do much of this work this past week. I took a suggestion from Kim and added my email address to my blog. I learned how to use Feedburner to add a way to subscribe to my RSS feed via email. I explored ways to access my archives including a search box.

The only official suggestion I am still working on is a blogroll. I do like the idea, but I feel overwhelmed with locating all the blogs I read and putting them in one place. I think I will work on this project but it will take me a while to do so. I don't use any regular readers so I have no systematic way of finding them all easily. I do agree that just putting them on my blog in a blogroll might even help me visit my favorite blogs more regularly.

So that's my progress on Blog Basics and I promise to make continuous improvement my ongoing goal.

2009 Blog Improvement Project - Week 3 Blog Post Bingo

Week 3 of the 2009 Blog Improvement Project is a little something called Blog Post Bingo. Kim shared many references with descriptions of various types of blog posts. She then listed 10 types of blog posts and asked everyone to try to write as many of these different kinds of posts over the next two weeks. They even had a contest with prizes, which I missed since I only found the BIP this week. I thought about just skipping this week so I could move on to week 4, but on second thought, decided that to be fair, I should attempt the exercise anyway. I am going to amend the project a bit to include various blog posts I have already written as well as one I wrote primarily for this project week.

The 10 types of posts were:

A Link Post - share a series of links your readers might find interesting (I think my post on kid's television is a link post as I do provide links to associated info.) http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2009/02/childrens-television-that-parents.html

A Short Post - less than 200 words
http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2008/11/gratitude.html

A List Post - simple as it sounds, a list of some sort
http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2008/11/suggestions-for-finding-that-elusive.html

An Opinion Post - take an event, news, or another blog post and share your opinion on it http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-do-we-expect-reality-shows-to.html

A Poll or Question Post - post a poll or ask your readers a specific question for feedback (I have toyed with asking questions in a post, but no real polls. I will have to figure out how to do this over the next year.)

A How-To Post - You’re an expert in something; big or small, share how to do it (I think my recipe is a bit of a how to.)
http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2009/02/great-weeknight-recipe-sausage-and.html

A Long Post - more than 700 words (I thought this one would be easy as I tend to write more than I need to at times, but guess I will need to work on this in the future.)

A Review Post - self-explanatory, I think :)
http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-stroke-of-insight-brain-scientists.html

A Definition Post - show your expertise about a topic related to your blog (I am not sure I have put myself out as an expert in anything thus far on my blog. I tend to use this blog for self expression and shy away from aspects related to my career and any expertise. I know that is a cop out, but I can work on this type of post over the next year too.)

FREE SPACE - a type of post of your choice (that is not the same as one of the previous posts) (I am not sure what style this one is, perhaps self exploration of some type?)
http://thementalmom.blogspot.com/2008/11/easy-rider-or-how-to-face-your-fears.html

Why do We Expect Reality Shows to Follow Rules of Fairness and Real Life

I wanted to give my opinion on reality television. I have to admit I find myself drawn to reality television shows. Not all of them, but certainly many of them. I seem to love any of the reality cooking shows but my favorite is always The Amazing Race. I don’t follow The Bachelor but have noticed that everyone is discussing the recent drama related to that finale. I find watching a reality show, itself, is a bit like trying to avoid watching a car wreck. I don’t understand, however, why everyone seems to think that the outcome of reality shows should be based upon fairness or merit. Reality shows are unique unto themselves. They are not truly reality so why would they follow the same rules. I read a recent blog that seemed to address this very eloquently.

James Poniewozik in his Tuned In blog post, Why Top Chef Was Right to Pick the Wrong Winner, seemed to understand some of the ways reality television is not exactly reality. He points out the fact that many of us feel cheated that Hosea won during the recent finale of Top Chef. Frankly, I did not really like Stefan, but he dominated most of the challenges throughout the show and I really wanted Carla to win. However, both messed up their dishes in the finale and Hosea did better overall in that last challenge. I notice many people become unglued discussing outcomes of reality shows. Although we all seem to get emotionally involved in the outcome of reality shows, Poniewozik shared the following, which I do agree with heartily:

“Once you turn a competition into an entertainment, in other words, you have to leave in the possibility that the wrong guy will win sometime. Rewarding people on sheerly on the basis of their ability, and making sure that the most deserving come out on top all the time—that's what the rest of life is for. And if it doesn't always work out that way, that's our problem, not the Top Chef judges'.”

So what do you think? Are you still irritated with the outcome of Top Chef? Are you frustrated with the romantic decisions made by Jason on The Batchelor? Can you accept that it is really not reality but an entertaining game?

2009 Blog Improvement Project Week 2: Brainstorming and the Introduction of Well-Being Wednesdays

The second assignment for the 2009 Blog Improvement Project was about brainstorming, more specifically to brainstorm some ideas and then blog your ideas. We had several articles to read regarding brainstorming techniques and then the task of coming up with a new, regular feature for our blog.

For a while now, I have wanted a bit more structure for my blog. One reason I continue to blog is to exercise my creativity and spontaneity. I often live too much “in my head” and caught up with the future or the past. My blog is an exercise in enjoying life in the moment. I tend to blog about what is on my mind at the moment, life as I am living it, or things I am currently experiencing. However, I do believe that my blog is a reflection of my scattered consciousness and as such is quite disjointed and unpredictable. I also have little schedule to my blogging and you are not able to predict when I will have new content. I’d like to find some “happy medium” where I still exercise my creativity and spontaneity but add in a bit more structure.

I have noticed that I do like blogs where the author has a calendar of some sort that guides the style of posting on a weekly basis. After brainstorming on the types of topics I have blogged about in the past and on various ideas on topics of interest to me currently, I came up with a few editorial topics to explore. As my pilot project, I plan to introduce some structure into my future blog posts.

One major interest of mine is my own self-improvement project. The past few years I have been working on my own private happiness project. It is still a work in progress. However, I have been taking active steps toward my own well-being. A regular feature I would like to add to my blog to highlight this project is to institute every Wednesday be “Well-Being Wednesday.” Every Wednesday, I will work on blogging about my journey into the why’s and how’s of happiness.

Since today is Wednesday, I brainstormed a bit and thought I might discuss one of my favorite quotes. "Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action." -- Benjamin Disraeli. To me, this quote found in Disraeli’s novel Lothair, reminds me that you have to work at anything important or meaningful, including happiness. I also feel it points out that I may not always make the right choices, but failing to take a chance and try something, anything, is always better than doing nothing at all. I have mentioned several times to my patients that I can not guarantee the outcome of any change; however, it does seem reasonable to assume that doing nothing will usually yield nothing. If you are unhappy, doing nothing is more likely to keep you exactly where you are. Making a change, any change, does not guarantee happiness, but you have to be willing to try something different to be truly happy.

Now, I am no expert on happiness or its pursuit. I am merely a lowly student trying to find my way to enjoying life. What do you think? Do you agree with my interpretation of Mr. Disraeli’s statement? Do you have a favorite happiness quote to share? Please post a comment and let’s get it started!

The 2009 Blog Improvement Project and Week 1 Project (Setting Goals)

I have been feeling dissatisfied with my blog of late. I still feel this need to have a blog, but have felt that my blog is not living up to my aspirations in various ways. Yesterday which surfing the ‘net, I came across a button on this book blog while reading a book review. (If you must know, I am slowly making my way through One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell and I do have this sad addiction to searching for reviews and even spoilers of books I am currently reading, especially books I am finding tedious, in the hopes I will discover motivation to actually finish the book.) Okay, back to my original topic, the 2009 Blog Improvement Project, which was the button I noticed. I quickly clicked on the button and arrived at Sophisticated Dorkiness, an interesting blog by Kim. I began to read about her project and I was hooked. I had found a community of people who were focused on improving their blogs. Accountability and structure! I decided whether or not I could be accepted into this project, I needed to jump on board the improvement project.

The 2009 Blog Improvement Project is a year-long challenge that will consist of twice-monthly activities to improve your blog. Every first and third Monday of the month an activity will be posted at Sophisticated Dorkiness that will be related in some way to making your blog better. Now, I am already behind my counterparts. I have missed the first 2 months of the project. However, being the anal compulsive person that I am, I plan to work on catching up with the rest of the group project by project, ideally finding a way to catch up long before the end of the year.

From Kim for the Week 1 Project - Setting Goals. What do you want to accomplish with your blog in 2009? Set some goals for your blog. Think about where you would like to be a year from now, and try to set clear and specific objectives that you’ll be able to measure in some way once we get to the end of 2009. Even before you set goals, it’s important to reflect back on what you’ve actually accomplished. Problogger suggests 69 questions (of various topics) that you could use to consider the things that are going well with your blog and the things that might need improvement. Using some of these questions could help you decide what blog areas you should set goals in.

Already, after spending some time on this first task, I am thinking quit, run away!! This task hits on some difficult issues for me. I tried to answer Problogger's 69 questions (whom I love, by the way, due to his fabulous advice on blogging and twitter) and came up with a whole lot of nothing. My blog seems to exist in isolation. I suspect only a few of my close friends actually read it. I am never quite sure what my focus is and because of that my posting is erratic and disjointed. So rather than run away, let’s set some realistic goals for the next year:

(1) Find a focus or center for my blog. I think my original purpose was to have a creative outlet, to find my own inner creativity and pleasure again, after having kids and losing my focus. I love so many things; I don’t think my blog can be narrowly focused. However, I need to find someway to keep a focus so I, and others, can have some consistent content here.

(2) Find some structure for posting that fits my needs but also leads to more consistent posting. Again, finding a way to post a certain number of posts in a week with some schedule seems a good idea and I am toying with the idea of having some sort of weekly schedule, i.e., Wednesday book reviews or happiness project musings on a particular day of the week? To quantify, perhaps set some weekly structure in posting by end of month and post at least 3 times per week?

(3) Content, content, content. By this, I would like to have some plan for my content that is consistent with my eventual focus. I would like to have some content that is planned, but still leave room for rambled musings. I do think I am usually too good at planning, and not so good at spontaneity. The blog is part of my life goal of being more spontaneous and living “in the moment.”

(4) Find a way to network and find a sense of community. Since I can’t control who comes to my blog, I would like to make more of an effort to visit other blogs on a regular basis and comment more frequently. Okay, I stole this one from many of the other BIP participants! But it seems like a great idea. Perhaps to measure progress, my goal would be to leave a comment 5 times in a week?

(5) Learn more about blog design and applications. I don’t need the most technical or beautiful blog, but I would like to understand more how to make my blog more user-friendly for me and also for those visiting. I would also like to learn more about tracking who is visiting my blog.

Okay, I could come up with many more goals, but I think those are enough for now. If I do achieve progress on these goals I can always come with more. If anyone is out there, please leave me any comments with your observations or suggestions. I would appreciate it!!