An Update...

Well I felt the need to share that I still have NO lights in my office! Fours days without a visit from Engineering!

Argh...It Continues...

So what do other parents do with no back-up day-care? So Sofia still have a fever yesterday and was barred from day-care today. Not a strange occurrence for most parents. But, my husband left for New York very early this morning on a business trip for the next 3 days. My parents, who are my usual back-up, were still in Laughlin. I could not even call in sick to work for family leave because the attendance witch hunt is still in force and any and all absences are scrutinized at present and we have been told notes from physicians are no longer accepted as a means of excusing an absence. So how could I call in sick for my daughter who today actually was in good spirits with hardly any fever at all, but is just not allowed at day-care?

All I could come up with on short notice was a call to my boss as I left work yesterday to ask if possible at all to approve last minute vacation day for today, or if not, could I come in late with my kid in tow. Of course, no response from my boss until late this morning. Luckily my parents called this morning and said they would drive home today and would not mind coming straight to my house and watching Sofia so i could go in to work. So that is what happened. I did have to wait until almost 2 for my parents to make the drive from Laughlin. I must say I owe them big time. My boss came through for me as well allowing me to come in so late, but I still resent the fact that I am afraid to call in sick even for a legitimate illness!

So here is my sick little pumpkin...

Sitting in the Dark

I just had to share my frustration about sitting in my office at work in the dark, or at least in very dim lighting. I know I work for a huge company, but why can they not find someone to fix my office lights in two days! My lights stopped working yesterday. Luckily I have a small desk lamp I rarely use that has been a Godsend. However, in a small interior office with no windows my little desk lamp only brightens a small part of my desk. Now working in this dim lighting for some tasks is not too bad. I find it kind of soothing after all the flourescent lighting. However, for the past year with the space constrictions, I have found my resources growing smaller and smaller. When I started working here, I was given a lot of respect and treated exactly the same as the M.D.'s. Over the years due to many factors, things have changed. I currently have to see patients in my office, which is not desirable. The M.D.'s never see patients in their private offices (which are a lot larger than mine with windows). Confidentiality is more difficult as my room is not sound-proofed. It is small with no windows and basically if anyone decided to attack me I will be in big trouble and no one will no about it until it is too late! And now, at the moment, for the past two days I have had to see patients in this small claustrophobic room with minimal lighting!

Should I take bets on how long they take to fix my lights?

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

I was thinking today on how easy it is for me to feel overwhelmed with everything! I can go weeks feeling like I have things under control, but than one variable will change and I spend several weeks feeling behind and a bit chaotic. I wonder if this is normal for other women?

Last week, I think I was doing pretty good. Work was going fine. The girls were happy. I was feeling motivated to put in more effort on my relationships. Then some of those variables changed....

I kind of knew going away for the weekend was a bad idea logistically. But I frequently sacrifice such activities to maintain my sanity and although it helps my stress levels in some ways, it also adds to more isolation and makes our lives more about work than fun. The other variable was Sofia, who came down with the flu on Thursday. I think the third variable was not driving to Big bear because that resulted in a big change in when we had to leave necessitating a scramble to pack to be ready 4 hours earlier which also led to me forgetting many things on my list for the weekend. Also, I had no control over our return time and we came home hours after I had anticipated.

Anyway, that leads me to this week where I am exhausted and feeling so behind in everything. I have piles of laundry not just from the weekend, but also from a sick barely potty-trained child. (How does she manage to pee only on our bed on the bedspread, down comforter, blanket, and sheets? Thank God it did not make it to the mattress. Now I also have to find time to make it to a laundromat because the stupid comforter is huge and won't fit in the washer!

Well, there are more minor annoyances but I am trying to remember i can only do what I can do and if I do a little each day, it will eventually catch up. I think exhaustion adds another layer of stress on top (sleeping in a cabin with 6 kids does not allow for much sleep). Having Sofia still be fighting the flu and feeling so cranky and pitiful does not help, especially with my parents out of town and no back-up day-care. I also can not help thinking ahead to Wednesday when my husband leaves to New York on a business trip for several days.

Okay, enough of the whining and contemplation and back to work!

Our Trip to the Snow...

Well, Emma and I are back from our winter camp experience. It was not exactly camping as we stayed in cabins. The camp location was great (http://www.alpinemeadowsretreats.com/). There was snow everywhere and lots of great places to go sledding. The cabins were nice with heating and indoor bathrooms. The staff was nice and provided all the meals so all we had to focus on was having fun.

The drive was easier than I anticipated, but I was still glad we found a ride there and back. Chains were needed, but really only in the camp which had many small slopes and one lane roads covered in ice and snow. We rode up with another Adventure Guide's husband and their 3-year-old daughter so Emma had a great time talking with her and watching her videos on their IPOD. I must say I learned the true funcitonality of an IPOD this weekend. Wow, their IPOD had plenty of space for many movies and TV shows, the girls were never bored and it was a long ride up and back!

We had so much fun! We sledded and played in the snow. We all made snow angels. Our tribe made a princess out of snow outside of our cabin. The girls talked all night and made up stories in the cabin. We checked out everyone else's snow creations.

Sunday, we caravaned back home with some of our friends. Now, we are so psyched up for our Mammoth trip in February.

The Power of Children to Motivate

Well, I spent the morning goofing off a bit at work trying to research tire chains! My daughter Emma and I are scheduled to go to Big Bear for a camping trip this weekend. We will stay in some cabins as part of this Adventure Guide activity. I have been pretty excited about playing in the snow with Emma. However, I also have been looking forward to carpooling with a friend and her daughter, partly because they are such fun to be with, and partly because she is a frequent visitor to Big Bear and agreed to drive.

I have a fairly big fear of driving in the snow. This stems from living in Northern Mississippi for several years and too many incidents of being in my car as it slid down a big hill into other cars and sliding on the ice patches on the roads with some spectacular near misses. I would be happy never to drive in snow or ice conditions ever again. Alas, my friend has been sick all week and still is not sure whether she will be going. So there is a good chance I will have to drive to Big Bear if I want to go this weekend with my daughter!

Now if this were just me, I am sure I would have cancelled in a heartbeat, even though I am cheap and I had to prepay!! However, as I research tire chains today, i know i just can not disappoint my daughter who is so very excited about camping with her friends and playing the the snow. Never underestimate the power of your love for your children to motivate you to do things you really would rather not do!

Pilates, Peace, and Me

I went to my Pilates class last night and I have to say I love, love, love it! I started over a year ago but then quit for a while when I decided to go to a bootcamp to jump-start my fitness plan. I just could not afford to pay for the pilates class when bootcamp was costing me an arm and a leg. I did the boot camp for about 8 months. http://www.805bootcamp.com There were parts of the bootcamp I really liked. I enjoyed getting a full workout completed by 6:30 a.m. each morning. I liked being able to work out before my family was even awake to avoid cutting into my time with my family in the evening. I liked how powerful it made me feel. Alas, running outside on concrete and asphault was starting to mess up my knees. And although the staff, especially Randy and Sarita the owners, are the sweetest people ever, I just never did agree with some of their polarized views on diet and exercise. I am not an all-or-nothing person and strive towards flexibility and moderation. And it was hard to get there when my husband was going out of town two weeks out of the month.

Anyway, I began to think about Pilates and realized it was the only exercise I ever did that i truly enjoyed. I have to admit I have never done a formal pilates program with the machines and all, just a group class with our local parks and rec. But the instructor is fabulous, both encouraging and supportive, full of modifications for all medical or physical limitations. It truly is a mind-body experience with lowered lights and soothing music, yet it really makes me work hard. I would do it every day if I could and this is amazing when you consider my exercise track record. Alas, Debbie only teaches the class two evenings a week, but every tuesday and thursday after work you will find me there. Now, i just have to work on re-introducing some other workout on the days pilates is not offered!

A Small Vent

Well, I had to work today and that enough was a bit frustrating. How come I work for a company that only offers 6 holidays a year! Anyway, Emma's school was closed for the holiday but Sofia's daycare was open. And the husband was off from work. So I trudge off to work and drop Sofia off at day-care on the way while my husband stays home with Emma. I have been trying to work on realistic expectations for myself and for others and did caution myself not to expect that with my husband home with only one child he would do a lot of work around the house (like take down the Christmas lights or make dinner).

Well, anyway, while at work I was told we would be having a potluck the next day and I was to bring a salad. As I left work, I called home to let the husband know that know I needed to pick up Sofia and then swing by Trader Joe's to get the fixings for my favorite buffalo chicken BBQ salad for the potluck. So drove my 1/2 hour commute, picked up Sofia, headed to store and did my shopping and then back to home. I walk in the house with my arms loaded and start putting away my groceries when the husband walks up to me without a hello or anything and says, "So what time is dinner?" I am like "well, what do you mean?" and he clarifies that he has an errand to run and wants to know when i will have dinner ready!!!!! He later stated that since I was picking up salad for potluck he assumed I would just make extra for dinner.

Ummm. I never assumed that. I did not buy enough salad fixings to make twice as much! And it is not like I can bring leftover salad to a potluck. Okay, am I being a witch for being not only ticked off that he would expect me to cook when he was home all day? Of course, I eventually used some of my salad ingredients to make a chicken pasta for dinner with a small side salad and he did agree to go back to the store to get me more chicken for the potluck, so I should be over this but I have to say, arghhhhhhhhh!!!! I am not.

A Trip to Faeryland

Well we went on a trip to faeryland today. The girls and i joined my daughter's Adventure Guide tribe and went on A Faery Hunt. It was held in one of our local parks and I have to admit it was a bit corny but it was a lot of fun for us all, from kids to adults. The actors were very engaging and enthusiastic. We spent a few hours in a beautiful park outside. It was definitely a fun reminder of how important it is to believe in magic and do something that has no purpose but to experience joy and a good time!

Frances and Elsie led us on the faery hunt. You might remember the story about Frances Griffith and Elsie Wright -- the girls who took the pictures of the Beck Faeries in Cottingley, England. Our path through the forest led us to meet many faeries and the faery queen, as well as a troll, a gnome, and even a love interest for the faery queen.

The Up Side of Being a Mom

I feel the need today to brag a bit on my beautiful children. My girls are 6 and 3. I am undoubtedly biased, but they are beautiful. Both have independent minds of their own which can drive me crazy from time to time.

My oldest is about to lose her very first tooth. She is so excited about that. She is sure she knows everything. She is in the middle of 1st grade and her reading is amazing. I know it must be very hard work to be a teacher and I have NEVER wanted to be a teacher. I can not imagine how they have so much patience. But at times now, i can see it must be so exciting to start with a child in kindergarten who really is unable to read and have them become avid readers and to know that you were the one who accomplished that amazing change! She loves to read right now and I hope she always enjoys it. I have always wanted my children to love to read as much as me, but have secretly feared my fate will be to have kids who don't enjoy reading!

My youngest is so smart and active, but we still are having a big problem with the potty training. Too many trials and tribulations to go into, but we have dealt with negative reinforcement from daycare providers, the same daycare kicking her out for having too many accidents, and now some disinterest in toileting when it is easier to go in a pull up. I waffle between letting her do whatever and keeping her in pull-ups until she shows interest again or putting those panties back on and trying to move forward. Depends on which day you catch me. I try to be consistent, but even at day-care they feel the need to put her in a pull-up if she has too many accidents in the day, so it feels pointless sometimes to keep her in panties at home and be cleaning up pee and poop all day!

On a more positive note, she is always smiling and seems to be a sponge able to copy anything her older sister says or does! (one quote from yesterday, "Stop it mom, I'm serious!!!") She loves to dance and currently appears to have more energy than control. She has also been a bit brainwashed by having an older sister who is a very girly girl. We love the princesses and especially Cinderella and doing anything her big sister does.

Why is it so hard to work after any time off?

Well, I am back at work today and finding it pretty difficult this week to be here. Even with only two days off from work it felt so good not to be responsible for anyone but myself for a few days. I am not sure I mentioned that I took my mom on a 3 day cruise to Ensenada for her birthday. It made me think alot about my relationship with my mom but i am not sure I am ready to post about those thoughts. I did miss my husband and my girls a lot, but I still enjoyed having no responsibilities beyond when to eat next!

Of course, this week I seem to be swamped at work so it just makes the contrast so much more dramatic. I am committed to keeping at this blog and not wimping out but I must admit i don't know what i even feel like writing about today. But i don't really want to bitch about work all the time. I like working. I like my job more days than I hate it. I am just tired of having it feel more important than the rest of my life and feeling like I have too little time to do anything well.

One thought I had was about marriage. I found myself thinking during my first weekend away from my husband that I can remember, that I missed him. Now this may not seem important. But, it makes me reflect on my feelings and I realize that I enjoy being with my husband. He really is my best friend. (I am not being sappy really, the crap is coming too.) I enjoy spending time with him. I can be a very impatient person and I notice I can get grumpy being with the same person for extended periods of time. They begin to annoy me. And it has little to do with anything wrong they do. I just can only tolerate so much one on one time with most people. I also like my solitude. But, I don't think I have ever felt this way about my husband. We have been married now for over 8 years and I still feel comfortable around him and enjoy being with him. This does not mean to say that he can't annoy me because believe me it does happen, but he does have to make an effort in some way to annoy me, like withdrawing, or talking down to me, just to name a few things.

Now the thing that is kind of bugging me is this sneaking suspicion that my husband does not feel the same way. I don't feel like he would rather spend time with me than any other person. Some days, I am not sure whether he likes me. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. I think becoming a mother did change me in many fundamental ways. Some of which are for the better and I want to accept. Some changes which may not have been for the better and I am working on how to eliminate some of them or at least soften them so that they fit better with the me I want to be. Is it crazy to want your partner to accept you for who you are even if that person continues to change and develop? I guess i do not feel it is crazy but it may be unrealistic from time to time. I just feel overwhelmed so much more frequently than I ever have in my life and yet I feel many people, especially my husband, expect me to continue to manage everything and be the same person I used to be. I do feel it is my fault a good bit of the time. When you spend your life thinking you can strive for perfection and not letting people see the flaws, it is hard to blame others when they have a hard time coping with your incompetence. The new me has worked very hard to admit to herself and others that I am far from perfect and I can still be likeable and loveable. But what if people (especially my husband) do not like this new imperfect me? I know the healthy answer is that not everyone is going to like you and if you spend your life needing everyone to like you you are going to fail miserably. But I have to admit in spite of this I do want my husband to like me as much as I like him.

No Reservations!!

Well, was up early this morning trying to get campsite reservations for Memorial Day Weekend at Yosemite. Man, I got nothing!!! I was first delayed by my lack of foresight and planning in forgetting how to sign in to the reservation system. Then I was just too slow i guess and all the campsites were snapped up. My only saving grace is that we have a large group going, so I hope a bunch of other people in our group got enough sites for us all. Now i just have to wait and see.

Dreaming of the Weekend

Well, having a mediocre day at best. The husband is still out of town for business but returns tonight!!! But we will be briefly passing as I leave tomorrow for my weekend with my mom! The girls are pretty good overall, but still fight going to sleep, so every night this week I have put them to bed only to have one or both cme downstairs 2 or 3 or 4 times delaying bedtime quite a bit. This of course makes them difficult to get up in the morning and being alone to round them up and drive to two schools, I have been late for work every day. And this is the worst time to be late with the big attendance and tardiness focus right now at work!!!

Anyway, made it to work just at the crack of 8:30 and rushed across campus to the staff meeting, only to have it not start for another 20 minutes! but still had to watch video and hear presentation about why you should come to work and never call in sick and be on time every day. Ugh. (Not to imply that I support using sick days to avoid work, but hey, why do they make the employees who do show up watch the videos and hear the lectures and condemnation. Kind of makes me want to call in sick once in a while rather than working through all my illnesses).

Anyway, dreaming of my weekend off which starts tomorrow. I am so boring. I plan to relax with my mom, sleep in, eat when i want, and read fluff! Nothing taxing at all after we check in!!! Can not really think of anything interesting to write at the moment, but hey at least I am writing something and that is a start. If anyone is reading this, you are forewarned that content will be sporadic!!!

Depression and Me...

So I finally read completely and responded to an email from an old friend of mine Christine http://ipokedabadgerwithaspoon.blogspot.com/ Okay, I was trying to do something more slick with that link, but can not seem to do it. I should just be proud I have a Link. He**, I should just be proud to even have a post at this point!! Anyway, Christine was nice enough to share with me her blog and I felt inspired. I signed in here and noted my dearth of postings. Hmm, why can I not follow through on anything. I have a lot of excuses, oops, reasons...I do too much, I focus on perfection too much, full-time work, two beautiful active children, blah, blah, blabbity blah. So one thought that came to mind is depression. I don't think it is the whole story but I must admit that it plays a part.

You know, I think depression in a minor sense has been around in my life since childhood. It affected me in minor ways, but for the most part i pushed through it and focused on accomplishments, grades, college, grad school, jobs, etc. The thing that really set things out of whack was having kids! After my first daughter Emma was born in 2001, I still did not get it. I remember crying frequently that first month or two and with my breastfeeding problems, I kind of chalked it up to that. Things improved somewhat and I found my way back to work after my vacation time ran out. I found my routine, and thought everything was okay. I never did anything outside of family and work however. I never did anything with friends. But I got by. Nothing seemed too strange except the fact that motherhood was hard and i could not understand why no one else was complaining. (Although I was not really complaining either and I have some theories about this too that might show up in another blog!)

Anyway, things were okay until I became pregnant with Sofia. I vomited my way through the first 6 months. Overworked for the entire pregnancy as their was no one to cover my work if I was not there. The stress felt unrelenting I recall, but that is all i thought it was. Hey, my husband was laid off work 2 weeks before Sofia was born. It had to be stress. Anyway, all i can say is that sometime when Sofia was maybe 9 months old, I started to realize that it was not normal to be so exhausted, even nursing a baby every night and working full-time. I began to notice that I spent more time nursing Sofia in front of the television (thank you tivo!). I began to realize I had no social life. Work, home, kids, that was it. Then the stupid idiot that I was said, man how stupid can you be? You are a psychologist and it has taken you over 4 years to realize you have postpartum depression!. Well, anyway, things have improved from then. I did get a little help from some medicine. I began to practice what I preach and started to confront my perfectionism. I did not have to be a perfect wife, housewife, mother, employee. I needed to start doing what was best for me and set better limits with myself and others.

Okay, well, I am much better, but I do notice that the depression it comes and it goes. Stress does set if off, as well as that old pattern of perfectionism. I want to speak out and be heard. I want to create evidence i was here as someone else said in her blog. But I can not do it all. I can only do so many things to do them well enough to make me happy and to allow time for me to live and be happy. So sometimes I do not blog because I am truly too busy and I need to set limits again and do less, hopefully other less meaningful things than blogging. Sometimes I do not blog becuase I am sitting on my couch watching TV after the girls go to sleep and it feels too difficult to do anything and I do think that is the face of my depression.