Working the Holiday

There are many wonderful benefits for working for my employer. Unfortunately, the amount of holidays covered is not one of them. I am finding it difficult to concentrate today knowing much of America has the day off to celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King, but I am here working. Now before my readers thnk this is some racial slight, keep in mind my employer only offers 6 holidays each year and there are many other holidays that are slighted as well! Oh well, I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. Alas, I am still struggling with my gratitude.

Try a Little Gratitude (or Love Thy Job)

I had the chance to talk about gratitude and happiness this week in the support group I run for chronic pain patients. We were planning out some topic ideas for future sessions and I shared my goal for 2009 was "gratitude." It reminded me that gratitude is something I need to practice regularly in the hopes of making it a habit. I've blogged before about the relationship between gratitude and happiness. Let the gratitude begin...

With so many people losing their jobs of late, I have been trying to appreciate the fact that I even have a job. In fact, I am grateful for so many aspects of my work. The following represent, in no particular order, the top ten reasons I love my job:

1. I get to help people, most of which are actually motivated to put in effort, find ways to live better and feel better.
2. I make good money, have great benefits, including plenty of paid time off to enjoy life outside of work.
3. I get paid to do things that are also good for me, like practice and model deep relaxation or meditation techniques.
4. I get to work in a huge hospital close to many resources, and this has even come in handy for my own medical conditions. Come on, who can say they broke an ankle or passed a kidney stone without missing any work!
5. It may be small but I have my own office even though most people in my department have to share space while we await new office space.
6. I get to go to work and every day there are colleagues and friends who are pleasant, friendly, and helpful.
7. I get to work independently, making my own decisions on scheduling, treatment planning, program development.
8. Did I mention the benefits? Over a month of paid leave each year. And being unionized, raises and bonuses annually!
9. If I do not go in to work, people genuinely miss my presence!
10. We only have one staff meeting a month.

Well, these are a few of the things about my job for which I am thankful. My goal is to appreciate my blessings and having a good rewarding job is certainly a major blessing I don't usually appreciate as much as I would like!

Late for Work Again

So I found myself hitting the snooze button this morning. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Alas, those extra 15 minutes did not seem to make much difference in my energy. Anyway, I rush to get everyone ready only to realize I still need to tidy the house in the hopes that the housecleaners will come today. Then I rush to the car only to remember my gas tank is on empty. So that explains why I arrive at work 20 minutes late and already feeling exhausted although the day has hardly started!

Ready for the Weekend

I can not wait for this day to be over. I had a very busy morning, capped by a presentation to all of our physicians. Part of me feels excited that the darn thig is over, but the other part of me just wants a nap!

This is my last day at work for a whole week! Many months ago, we decided to take the girls on a cheap cruise to see how they like it and the cruise is Monday. I am so excited about that. I hope we all have a good time, but I am really just happy not to have to go to work!

TGIF!

What a long week, and I only had to work three days! I caught a cold last Thursday just as we were leaving for Mammoth. Thanks to Ibuprofen and Claritan D I survived the ski trip but still felt kind of crappy all weekend. This week at work I felt worse and developed another sinus infection. Here is to hoping the antibiotics kick in soon.

It is raining again this weekend. On one hand it adds to my depressed mood, but I guess I also have to be grateful for the rain when I drive through the hills into Simi and see how beautifully green they are. Usually they are kind of tan and rocky. I wish I had a picture to post but I am usually in my car when I see them the best!

Not the Best Day for Work Satisfaction

I am not feeling very motivated to blog today. I think that is because I am a bit frustrated at work and I think I would prefer to avoid thinking about that subject for a while. Alas, avoidance rarely makes anything easier. I actually just typed out a long description of my work environment but feel that it just is not the way I want to use my blog! Let’s just try to sum it up as having a boss who is not supportive of what I do, has this need to control even over issues he has no knowledge, and seems to enjoy making people feel stupid. I have designed and run programs more complicated than my current one, and yet, this boss seems to enjoy the fact that I have no control over most major decisions affecting my work, yet feels the need to tell me to take ownership and make the program my own. How can I do that when I have no say in structure of the program, location, resources, or even how patients are referred to my program? I have never worked anywhere with this little support. Oh well, I continue to put up with this for lack of other viable options that work with having a family and repeated attempts to remind myself that no job is perfect. But today, is definitely one of those days I wished I worked anywhere than here. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

An Update...

Well I felt the need to share that I still have NO lights in my office! Fours days without a visit from Engineering!

Argh...It Continues...

So what do other parents do with no back-up day-care? So Sofia still have a fever yesterday and was barred from day-care today. Not a strange occurrence for most parents. But, my husband left for New York very early this morning on a business trip for the next 3 days. My parents, who are my usual back-up, were still in Laughlin. I could not even call in sick to work for family leave because the attendance witch hunt is still in force and any and all absences are scrutinized at present and we have been told notes from physicians are no longer accepted as a means of excusing an absence. So how could I call in sick for my daughter who today actually was in good spirits with hardly any fever at all, but is just not allowed at day-care?

All I could come up with on short notice was a call to my boss as I left work yesterday to ask if possible at all to approve last minute vacation day for today, or if not, could I come in late with my kid in tow. Of course, no response from my boss until late this morning. Luckily my parents called this morning and said they would drive home today and would not mind coming straight to my house and watching Sofia so i could go in to work. So that is what happened. I did have to wait until almost 2 for my parents to make the drive from Laughlin. I must say I owe them big time. My boss came through for me as well allowing me to come in so late, but I still resent the fact that I am afraid to call in sick even for a legitimate illness!

So here is my sick little pumpkin...

Sitting in the Dark

I just had to share my frustration about sitting in my office at work in the dark, or at least in very dim lighting. I know I work for a huge company, but why can they not find someone to fix my office lights in two days! My lights stopped working yesterday. Luckily I have a small desk lamp I rarely use that has been a Godsend. However, in a small interior office with no windows my little desk lamp only brightens a small part of my desk. Now working in this dim lighting for some tasks is not too bad. I find it kind of soothing after all the flourescent lighting. However, for the past year with the space constrictions, I have found my resources growing smaller and smaller. When I started working here, I was given a lot of respect and treated exactly the same as the M.D.'s. Over the years due to many factors, things have changed. I currently have to see patients in my office, which is not desirable. The M.D.'s never see patients in their private offices (which are a lot larger than mine with windows). Confidentiality is more difficult as my room is not sound-proofed. It is small with no windows and basically if anyone decided to attack me I will be in big trouble and no one will no about it until it is too late! And now, at the moment, for the past two days I have had to see patients in this small claustrophobic room with minimal lighting!

Should I take bets on how long they take to fix my lights?

A Small Vent

Well, I had to work today and that enough was a bit frustrating. How come I work for a company that only offers 6 holidays a year! Anyway, Emma's school was closed for the holiday but Sofia's daycare was open. And the husband was off from work. So I trudge off to work and drop Sofia off at day-care on the way while my husband stays home with Emma. I have been trying to work on realistic expectations for myself and for others and did caution myself not to expect that with my husband home with only one child he would do a lot of work around the house (like take down the Christmas lights or make dinner).

Well, anyway, while at work I was told we would be having a potluck the next day and I was to bring a salad. As I left work, I called home to let the husband know that know I needed to pick up Sofia and then swing by Trader Joe's to get the fixings for my favorite buffalo chicken BBQ salad for the potluck. So drove my 1/2 hour commute, picked up Sofia, headed to store and did my shopping and then back to home. I walk in the house with my arms loaded and start putting away my groceries when the husband walks up to me without a hello or anything and says, "So what time is dinner?" I am like "well, what do you mean?" and he clarifies that he has an errand to run and wants to know when i will have dinner ready!!!!! He later stated that since I was picking up salad for potluck he assumed I would just make extra for dinner.

Ummm. I never assumed that. I did not buy enough salad fixings to make twice as much! And it is not like I can bring leftover salad to a potluck. Okay, am I being a witch for being not only ticked off that he would expect me to cook when he was home all day? Of course, I eventually used some of my salad ingredients to make a chicken pasta for dinner with a small side salad and he did agree to go back to the store to get me more chicken for the potluck, so I should be over this but I have to say, arghhhhhhhhh!!!! I am not.

Why is it so hard to work after any time off?

Well, I am back at work today and finding it pretty difficult this week to be here. Even with only two days off from work it felt so good not to be responsible for anyone but myself for a few days. I am not sure I mentioned that I took my mom on a 3 day cruise to Ensenada for her birthday. It made me think alot about my relationship with my mom but i am not sure I am ready to post about those thoughts. I did miss my husband and my girls a lot, but I still enjoyed having no responsibilities beyond when to eat next!

Of course, this week I seem to be swamped at work so it just makes the contrast so much more dramatic. I am committed to keeping at this blog and not wimping out but I must admit i don't know what i even feel like writing about today. But i don't really want to bitch about work all the time. I like working. I like my job more days than I hate it. I am just tired of having it feel more important than the rest of my life and feeling like I have too little time to do anything well.

One thought I had was about marriage. I found myself thinking during my first weekend away from my husband that I can remember, that I missed him. Now this may not seem important. But, it makes me reflect on my feelings and I realize that I enjoy being with my husband. He really is my best friend. (I am not being sappy really, the crap is coming too.) I enjoy spending time with him. I can be a very impatient person and I notice I can get grumpy being with the same person for extended periods of time. They begin to annoy me. And it has little to do with anything wrong they do. I just can only tolerate so much one on one time with most people. I also like my solitude. But, I don't think I have ever felt this way about my husband. We have been married now for over 8 years and I still feel comfortable around him and enjoy being with him. This does not mean to say that he can't annoy me because believe me it does happen, but he does have to make an effort in some way to annoy me, like withdrawing, or talking down to me, just to name a few things.

Now the thing that is kind of bugging me is this sneaking suspicion that my husband does not feel the same way. I don't feel like he would rather spend time with me than any other person. Some days, I am not sure whether he likes me. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. I think becoming a mother did change me in many fundamental ways. Some of which are for the better and I want to accept. Some changes which may not have been for the better and I am working on how to eliminate some of them or at least soften them so that they fit better with the me I want to be. Is it crazy to want your partner to accept you for who you are even if that person continues to change and develop? I guess i do not feel it is crazy but it may be unrealistic from time to time. I just feel overwhelmed so much more frequently than I ever have in my life and yet I feel many people, especially my husband, expect me to continue to manage everything and be the same person I used to be. I do feel it is my fault a good bit of the time. When you spend your life thinking you can strive for perfection and not letting people see the flaws, it is hard to blame others when they have a hard time coping with your incompetence. The new me has worked very hard to admit to herself and others that I am far from perfect and I can still be likeable and loveable. But what if people (especially my husband) do not like this new imperfect me? I know the healthy answer is that not everyone is going to like you and if you spend your life needing everyone to like you you are going to fail miserably. But I have to admit in spite of this I do want my husband to like me as much as I like him.

Dreaming of the Weekend

Well, having a mediocre day at best. The husband is still out of town for business but returns tonight!!! But we will be briefly passing as I leave tomorrow for my weekend with my mom! The girls are pretty good overall, but still fight going to sleep, so every night this week I have put them to bed only to have one or both cme downstairs 2 or 3 or 4 times delaying bedtime quite a bit. This of course makes them difficult to get up in the morning and being alone to round them up and drive to two schools, I have been late for work every day. And this is the worst time to be late with the big attendance and tardiness focus right now at work!!!

Anyway, made it to work just at the crack of 8:30 and rushed across campus to the staff meeting, only to have it not start for another 20 minutes! but still had to watch video and hear presentation about why you should come to work and never call in sick and be on time every day. Ugh. (Not to imply that I support using sick days to avoid work, but hey, why do they make the employees who do show up watch the videos and hear the lectures and condemnation. Kind of makes me want to call in sick once in a while rather than working through all my illnesses).

Anyway, dreaming of my weekend off which starts tomorrow. I am so boring. I plan to relax with my mom, sleep in, eat when i want, and read fluff! Nothing taxing at all after we check in!!! Can not really think of anything interesting to write at the moment, but hey at least I am writing something and that is a start. If anyone is reading this, you are forewarned that content will be sporadic!!!