Why is it so hard to work after any time off?

Well, I am back at work today and finding it pretty difficult this week to be here. Even with only two days off from work it felt so good not to be responsible for anyone but myself for a few days. I am not sure I mentioned that I took my mom on a 3 day cruise to Ensenada for her birthday. It made me think alot about my relationship with my mom but i am not sure I am ready to post about those thoughts. I did miss my husband and my girls a lot, but I still enjoyed having no responsibilities beyond when to eat next!

Of course, this week I seem to be swamped at work so it just makes the contrast so much more dramatic. I am committed to keeping at this blog and not wimping out but I must admit i don't know what i even feel like writing about today. But i don't really want to bitch about work all the time. I like working. I like my job more days than I hate it. I am just tired of having it feel more important than the rest of my life and feeling like I have too little time to do anything well.

One thought I had was about marriage. I found myself thinking during my first weekend away from my husband that I can remember, that I missed him. Now this may not seem important. But, it makes me reflect on my feelings and I realize that I enjoy being with my husband. He really is my best friend. (I am not being sappy really, the crap is coming too.) I enjoy spending time with him. I can be a very impatient person and I notice I can get grumpy being with the same person for extended periods of time. They begin to annoy me. And it has little to do with anything wrong they do. I just can only tolerate so much one on one time with most people. I also like my solitude. But, I don't think I have ever felt this way about my husband. We have been married now for over 8 years and I still feel comfortable around him and enjoy being with him. This does not mean to say that he can't annoy me because believe me it does happen, but he does have to make an effort in some way to annoy me, like withdrawing, or talking down to me, just to name a few things.

Now the thing that is kind of bugging me is this sneaking suspicion that my husband does not feel the same way. I don't feel like he would rather spend time with me than any other person. Some days, I am not sure whether he likes me. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. I think becoming a mother did change me in many fundamental ways. Some of which are for the better and I want to accept. Some changes which may not have been for the better and I am working on how to eliminate some of them or at least soften them so that they fit better with the me I want to be. Is it crazy to want your partner to accept you for who you are even if that person continues to change and develop? I guess i do not feel it is crazy but it may be unrealistic from time to time. I just feel overwhelmed so much more frequently than I ever have in my life and yet I feel many people, especially my husband, expect me to continue to manage everything and be the same person I used to be. I do feel it is my fault a good bit of the time. When you spend your life thinking you can strive for perfection and not letting people see the flaws, it is hard to blame others when they have a hard time coping with your incompetence. The new me has worked very hard to admit to herself and others that I am far from perfect and I can still be likeable and loveable. But what if people (especially my husband) do not like this new imperfect me? I know the healthy answer is that not everyone is going to like you and if you spend your life needing everyone to like you you are going to fail miserably. But I have to admit in spite of this I do want my husband to like me as much as I like him.