Manic Mondays - How to Ask for Help

As a busy parent (or really anyone today who is over-scheduled and over-whelmed), you may be on your own, but you don't have to do it all alone! Asking for help builds community and teaches valuable life lessons. Begin with these steps, and you'll find that asking for help isn't as painful as you'd imagined.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: The time it takes to make a phone call!


Here's How:

Let Go of Your Need to Be Perfect
The first step is to let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself to do it all on your own. Look at the people around you. Aren't there other people who receive regular help from friends, family, anyone? There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Needing help is not a sign of weakness or failure!

Be Honest With Yourself
What is most disturbing to you about asking for help? Do you think asking for help gives the impression that you're not capable of doing it all on your own? Are you afraid that needing help might confirm what someone else is trying to say about you? Are you afraid you'll "owe" someone? Try to identify what it is that you resist when it comes to asking others for help.

Redefine Strength
The strongest people are not necessarily the ones who seem to be able to do it all on their own. Authentic strength includes an awareness of your personal strengths and weaknesses and the ability to recruit assistance in the areas where you need it most.

Be Optimistic
Believe that people around you want to help; because, in most cases, they do. If your friends, family, neighbors and co-workers realized you had a specific need, many of them would jump at the chance to help out. Maybe you've "known" your neighbor for eight years, but she has no idea that you're going through a difficult time right now. Believe that if she knew your need, she wouldn't hesitate to help.

Take a Risk
As humbling as it can be, asking for help can also provide an amazing opportunity to "get real" with the people around you. When they, in return, do the same thing, you may be surprised to find yourself developing exactly the type of deep, meaningful friendships you've always wanted to cultivate. That's enriching, but it doesn't happen without the willingness to take a risk and be real.

Start With One Need
Begin by focusing on one area of your life where you could use some support. Maybe it's getting some help around the house, or maybe you could use some help fixing a leaky faucet in the bathroom. Start by asking for help with one specific need.

Brainstorm
Who might be able to help you with this particular need? Is it a neighbor you trust? A relative who lives nearby? You might think that you're limited to those people who you already know well, or who you have a lot in common with. But take the time to "think outside the box." Who do you trust? Who are you drawn to? Who is one person in your life that you'd like to get to know better?

Ask
Once you've brainstormed a list of the people who might be able to help, call them. If it's easier for you, write down what you plan to say on a piece of paper. Also, you can even begin your request by saying, "I'm not really comfortable asking for help, but I was wondering if you might be able to do something for me."

Ask with a positive expectation
If you are going to ask you may as well not be too apologetic for it. I’m pretty bad at this, I always feel guilty for asking, especially if it’s family or friends, I feel like I should be able to manage it all myself, of course it’s not possible.

Ask someone who you think can say “yes”
For example you may already know that one set of family members are busy at the weekend and quiet in the week. Tailor your requests to fit with other people’s lifestyles where possible, you’re more likely to get a yes.

Be clear and specific
I used to feel that I was nagging my husband all the time to help with housework, but he would counter by saying that he was helping. The problem was that I was being too vague I was not clear on what I wanted him to do and the kind of help I needed. He was always saying that he was doing what was asked, which he was. When I asked him to take the rubbish to the bin he did, although two days later. If I asked him to do some cleaning, he would wash the dishes. Now I say things like “please take the trash out tonight” and “please could you clean the floor in the kitchen and do the dishes." I ask for exactly what I want and when i need it done. 99% of the time I get it. I’m happy because I’m receiving help and the house is tidy. He is happy because he isn’t being nagged. Simple.

Say Thank You
Of course it goes without saying that it's appropriate to thank someone who helps you. However, there's also reason for a word of caution here: Don't overdo it. You don't have to spend money on a thank you gift! Heartfelt words of appreciation, either spoken or written on paper, are sufficient.

Give Back
Lastly, you can always return the favor in other ways. If your neighbor watches your kids two afternoons a week, double a recipe once in a while and share half of it with her family. Keep your eyes open, and you'll begin to see the ways in which others around you could use your help, too.

Tips:
Asking for help gets easier the more you do it.
Start by asking for help in one small area.
If you're more comfortable, suggest trading tasks.

Does It Ever Get Easy?

So, the school year has ended and that is a major improvement in many areas for being a mom. No more homework or school activities to organize and supervise. But, how to handle summertime childcare? I finally decided to use the YMCA summer camp program for Emma. They have an indoor pool and she can go swimming daily. it also seemed more supervised than the Parks and Rec Program that runs her after school program during the year. Today was the first day and it was difficult. I just dropped off my sweet innocent 6-year-old and felt the YMCA was offering limited attention to her needs! She was afraid and alone. No sign of any prior friends attending the program. This morning I did not find any eager staff to help set her feelings at ease. I had to leave her and hope for the best. Am I expecting too much for my $160 a week? This is more expensive than day-care, yet they all seem to provide less attention than a day-care. I just don't seem to understand the system. Let's hope she has a good day.

Depression and Me...

So I finally read completely and responded to an email from an old friend of mine Christine http://ipokedabadgerwithaspoon.blogspot.com/ Okay, I was trying to do something more slick with that link, but can not seem to do it. I should just be proud I have a Link. He**, I should just be proud to even have a post at this point!! Anyway, Christine was nice enough to share with me her blog and I felt inspired. I signed in here and noted my dearth of postings. Hmm, why can I not follow through on anything. I have a lot of excuses, oops, reasons...I do too much, I focus on perfection too much, full-time work, two beautiful active children, blah, blah, blabbity blah. So one thought that came to mind is depression. I don't think it is the whole story but I must admit that it plays a part.

You know, I think depression in a minor sense has been around in my life since childhood. It affected me in minor ways, but for the most part i pushed through it and focused on accomplishments, grades, college, grad school, jobs, etc. The thing that really set things out of whack was having kids! After my first daughter Emma was born in 2001, I still did not get it. I remember crying frequently that first month or two and with my breastfeeding problems, I kind of chalked it up to that. Things improved somewhat and I found my way back to work after my vacation time ran out. I found my routine, and thought everything was okay. I never did anything outside of family and work however. I never did anything with friends. But I got by. Nothing seemed too strange except the fact that motherhood was hard and i could not understand why no one else was complaining. (Although I was not really complaining either and I have some theories about this too that might show up in another blog!)

Anyway, things were okay until I became pregnant with Sofia. I vomited my way through the first 6 months. Overworked for the entire pregnancy as their was no one to cover my work if I was not there. The stress felt unrelenting I recall, but that is all i thought it was. Hey, my husband was laid off work 2 weeks before Sofia was born. It had to be stress. Anyway, all i can say is that sometime when Sofia was maybe 9 months old, I started to realize that it was not normal to be so exhausted, even nursing a baby every night and working full-time. I began to notice that I spent more time nursing Sofia in front of the television (thank you tivo!). I began to realize I had no social life. Work, home, kids, that was it. Then the stupid idiot that I was said, man how stupid can you be? You are a psychologist and it has taken you over 4 years to realize you have postpartum depression!. Well, anyway, things have improved from then. I did get a little help from some medicine. I began to practice what I preach and started to confront my perfectionism. I did not have to be a perfect wife, housewife, mother, employee. I needed to start doing what was best for me and set better limits with myself and others.

Okay, well, I am much better, but I do notice that the depression it comes and it goes. Stress does set if off, as well as that old pattern of perfectionism. I want to speak out and be heard. I want to create evidence i was here as someone else said in her blog. But I can not do it all. I can only do so many things to do them well enough to make me happy and to allow time for me to live and be happy. So sometimes I do not blog because I am truly too busy and I need to set limits again and do less, hopefully other less meaningful things than blogging. Sometimes I do not blog becuase I am sitting on my couch watching TV after the girls go to sleep and it feels too difficult to do anything and I do think that is the face of my depression.