So I finally read completely and responded to an email from an old friend of mine Christine
http://ipokedabadgerwithaspoon.blogspot.com/ Okay, I was trying to do something more slick with that link, but can not seem to do it. I should just be proud I have a Link. He**, I should just be proud to even have a post at this point!! Anyway, Christine was nice enough to share with me her blog and I felt inspired. I signed in here and noted my dearth of postings. Hmm, why can I not follow through on anything. I have a lot of excuses, oops, reasons...I do too much, I focus on perfection too much, full-time work, two beautiful active children, blah, blah, blabbity blah. So one thought that came to mind is depression. I don't think it is the whole story but I must admit that it plays a part.
You know, I think depression in a minor sense has been around in my life since childhood. It affected me in minor ways, but for the most part i pushed through it and focused on accomplishments, grades, college, grad school, jobs, etc. The thing that really set things out of whack was having kids! After my first daughter Emma was born in 2001, I still did not get it. I remember crying frequently that first month or two and with my breastfeeding problems, I kind of chalked it up to that. Things improved somewhat and I found my way back to work after my vacation time ran out. I found my routine, and thought everything was okay. I never did anything outside of family and work however. I never did anything with friends. But I got by. Nothing seemed too strange except the fact that motherhood was hard and i could not understand why no one else was complaining. (Although I was not really complaining either and I have some theories about this too that might show up in another blog!)
Anyway, things were okay until I became pregnant with Sofia. I vomited my way through the first 6 months. Overworked for the entire pregnancy as their was no one to cover my work if I was not there. The stress felt unrelenting I recall, but that is all i thought it was. Hey, my husband was laid off work 2 weeks before Sofia was born. It had to be stress. Anyway, all i can say is that sometime when Sofia was maybe 9 months old, I started to realize that it was not normal to be so exhausted, even nursing a baby every night and working full-time. I began to notice that I spent more time nursing Sofia in front of the television (thank you tivo!). I began to realize I had no social life. Work, home, kids, that was it. Then the stupid idiot that I was said, man how stupid can you be? You are a psychologist and it has taken you over 4 years to realize you have postpartum depression!. Well, anyway, things have improved from then. I did get a little help from some medicine. I began to practice what I preach and started to confront my perfectionism. I did not have to be a perfect wife, housewife, mother, employee. I needed to start doing what was best for me and set better limits with myself and others.
Okay, well, I am much better, but I do notice that the depression it comes and it goes. Stress does set if off, as well as that old pattern of perfectionism. I want to speak out and be heard. I want to create evidence i was here as someone else said in her blog. But I can not do it all. I can only do so many things to do them well enough to make me happy and to allow time for me to live and be happy. So sometimes I do not blog because I am truly too busy and I need to set limits again and do less, hopefully other less meaningful things than blogging. Sometimes I do not blog becuase I am sitting on my couch watching TV after the girls go to sleep and it feels too difficult to do anything and I do think that is the face of my depression.
