Manic Mondays - Assert Yourself

For my Manic Monday topic today, I thought I would present some information on ways to be more assertive in your life. One reason many of us find our lives so overwhelming is because we fail to assert our own needs. It may seem easier to be passive and to focus on the needs of others but failing to assert your own needs will eventually lead to problems. If you find that you never assert your needs or wants, you might want to explore the reasons behind this. However, many of us know how to be assertive in certain situations or with certain people, but have difficulty with other situations or other people. If this is the case, please read on for some general suggestions to guide your attempts to be more assertive.

1. Saying yes and no: Learning to say yes and no appropriately, with care to both yourself and the person that you are addressing is a powerful tool in assertive behavior. Knowing what you want is also important. We can often be confused about situations, and may say yeas meaning no; or say no when we mean yes. In a demanding society like ours, it is important to give ourselves the space to decide what we want and how we might say that without hurting others.

2. “I” statements: If you want to get a message to someone clearly, you need to consider how he or she is receiving your message. All too often when you have something difficult to say, you will manipulate the words so that it appears that the difficulty is coming from elsewhere. Using sentences that begin with me, or “I”, is the best way of overcoming this problem. Owning our thoughts and feelings is crucial in assertiveness. Personalizing our statements means that they cannot be disregarded; they are ours and as such are important!

3. Changing “should” into “could”: Central to being assertive is the notion that we have choices. Many people, however, believe that there are too many things that they should do, and this lack of choice prevents them from being more assertive. If you write a list of all the things you should do, there would probably be at least 10 things on it. But think again- what do you HAVE TO DO on that list? How many of those things have come from other people? How many of them are what others have told you that you should do? Now turn the list upside down. Write out all the things that you would do because you want to do them. How many are left? Why are the others not there? Why should you do them? This concept is mind-blowing to many people. But it is a simple one to incorporate into life.

4. Changing ‘know’ into ‘imagine’: One of the things that people often get into the habit of doing is making assumptions about others and their thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Changing the words “I know…” to “I imagine…” can have a tremendous impact on a situation because you are making clear what is fact and what is fantasy. It is also important not to project you ideas onto others, which is often unwittingly done when we use the words “I know”.

5. Changing questions to statements: It is important to use questioning statements, but don’t be lulled into using them constantly so you do not have to say what you think. Use affirmative statements that start with “I feel” or “I think” so others are clear about where you stand.

6. Start believing in yourself: Believe that you can’t make a mistake- you can only do things in a way that seems most appropriate given all the information and experience that you have at the time. Think about it, if you thought there was a better way of doing it you would have done it, wouldn’t you? Don’t give up trying to be more assertive, each situation is different and a new chance to get it right.

7. See the positive instead of the negative: We have choices all the time. It’s easy to have a hard day every day by the language we use. Try and change the following:

I’ve had a terrible day…The day has been tough, but I’ve learnt a lot.
It’s an uphill struggle…I’m nearly there, halfway there.
I’m finding it hard…It’s not easy

8. Using affirmations: A good way of putting the positive into your life is to create affirmations for yourself. Think about how you would like to be, and write them in a way that suggests you are already there e.g. I am lovable or I am happy with my life. Stick them in places around the house that you will see often, and say them out loud.

9. Assertiveness and body language: How you look at someone conveys how you feel about yourself and what you are saying. People often give their power away by looking away, and defiant and aggressive people show their feelings by directing them straight at the person. Your body language and tone of voice should show you are grounded, relaxed and present.

10. Dealing with conflict assertively: Conflict situations usually arise because of a lack of assertion on the part of one or both parties. Dealing with this takes courage. Most people tend to leave a problem and hope that it will right itself. Rather than taking the conflict as a personal feedback, join with the other person in working towards a win/win situation. You may well find that despite hostile beginnings or personal dislike, a mutually acceptable outcome can be found. Keep a clear picture of yourself and the other person, which is separate from the issue. It is easy to get wrapped up in personal clashes. Take one issue at a time- don’t let people rake up last week’s gripe. Stop them and deal with one issue at a time. Once dealt with don’t let them bring it up again next week! Look and listen to each other- tricky, but important. Be creative with possible outcomes. Find a mutually convenient time to discuss them. Make sure you understand each other by writing them down. Finally, appreciate the talents of others. We are beautifully created human beings, with faults, each and every one of us, have the courage to admit both.

11. Giving and receiving feedback: It is important to listen to feedback carefully rather than reject it or argue. Having heard the feedback decide on its value and the evidence to back it up. Acknowledge it and decide whether you are going to change your behavior as a result. If you feel the feedback is invalid then dispute the feedback positively and assertively. When you are giving feedback, try and think through why you are giving it before you start. What are you trying to achieve? Make sure the feedback it firmly rooted in “I” statements so that it is clear that it is your opinion and not someone else’s. Make sure your body language reflects clarity and direction.